open source query language with correlated UPDATEs, multiple TABLE UPDATEs by VIEW,

open source query language with correlated UPDATEs, multiple TABLE UPDATEs
by VIEW,

websocket++ (and of course other supporting libs) has provided lightning
fast performance for the little guy.
I now cache data in the application rather than the database (accident),
and it has made me value the database much more.
Before websockets with persistent memory, I thought lag would be best
addressed via nosql; now, I've gone rdbms crazy since users are receiving
new recorded information from the custom cache after it's successfully
written, the application requires human instead of automated interaction
therefore no requirement for ~0us lag, and users otherwiseSELECTing have
to either phantom read or wait for a serialized TRANSACTION to finish. In
other words, I can wait for the database to perform its operations to
maintain acidity.
However, MySQL doesn't allow a TABLE to be UPDATEd with a correlated
subquery. I can use a TEMPTABLE or another TABLE with a FOREIGN, but
that's overkill and/or slow. Also, I've been spoiled by jQuery and crave
1-liners.
MySQL also doesn't allow multiple TABLEs to be UPDATEd through a VIEW.
This is more of a 1-liner issue with a dash of productivity.
Does a query language that does this exist? If so, is there a MySQL plugin
that does this?